A path towards balance

Working out what one wants is not always easy. From my personal and professional experience as a coach, I've found evidence of this especially when working with female clients. The word "want" in itself is almost taboo whilst "should" and "must" are frequently overused. There seem to be a reoccurring emphasis on one's duties to others as opposed to oneself.

Through the honest and transparent conversations of my coaching sessions, I have witnessed women experiencing deeply uncomfortable feelings of selfishness and guilt at the use of the word "want" when in relation to their needs and desires. 

The outdated view of women having to put others first seems to still be ingrained in many. This is despite having often been told that we should put on our own oxygen mask first before attending to others. It feels even more imperative to undo this damaging thinking and behavioural pattern when we consider that constantly putting others first and repressing one's needs has been linked to a potential increased risk of certain autoimmune diseases (see Dr Gabor Mate's work). 

Through my work as a coach, I've learnt that doing too much of what doesn't excite us and nourish us, leaves us demotivated, depleted, sad and tired. Of course, I'm not advocating that to find our happiness and purpose we should all resign overnight from our dissatisfying jobs or pack up and leave our families and homes to relocate to an exotic location. Making drastic changes isn't the answer. In my experience, gradual, consistent, strategic and achievable steps are the foundation of any long-lasting change. It's about gently and compassionately adjusting things until the balance is restored. 

How do we end up doing too much?

Even the wisest and most self-aware of us can get caught up in the trap of doing too much. I've seen through personal experience and working with clients how easy it is to lose sight of our everyday reality when burdened by the ever-growing pile of our personal and professional in-trays. 

I will now take you through what in my coaching capacity I have found to be the most common factors leading us on the road of doing too much. Please remember that I will be generalising and that each individual’s reality is uniquely multifaceted.

Factor no 1 – we have a misplaced sense of responsibility

We direct our care and attention to the wrong recipient/s, to what's not really important. We adopt a misplaced sense of responsibility for (on behalf of) others which inexorably adds to our already overflowing to-do list. In turn, this disempowers others, makes them dependent on us thus creating more work for us and leaving us with little or no time to take care of ourselves. 

Please note that what's deemed as "not important" will be different for each of us. An objective review of one's responsibilities is essential and coaching can help with that. 

Questions to ask ourselves:

• What do I need to prioritise?

• What do I need right now? 

Factor no 2 – we lack effective boundaries

This is linked to the first factor. Our diary is always available. Even when there is no space left, we find space. We can't say no. We probably don't even know how to say no. If we don't know how to say no, our yes is meaningless. Saying yes to all requests out of a sense of misplaced duty and responsibility gives out the message that all requests are important. If everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority.

The inability to say no is usually linked to a fear of rejection and of losing connections and relationships with others. By not saying no when our in-tray is already full and by not prioritising effectively, we are actually disconnecting from ourselves.

Questions to ask ourselves:

• How can I be more authentic?

• What am I saying NO to by saying YES to all requests indiscriminately?

Factor no 3 – we are covering up something or filling a gap

By keeping excessively busy, we are distracting ourselves from something unpleasant or uncomfortable. In my experience, this is often related to something missing from our lives and which we would like more of. It can also be connected to something which is actually present but we haven’t found a way to let go of yet. Basically, there is too much of what doesn’t nourish us and not enough of what makes us feel alive.

Interestingly, by keeping busy, not only we stay distracted from the issue, but we compound the problem. The more we add to the in-tray, the less likely it is that we will have time and energy to address the imbalance.

Questions to ask ourselves:

• What's missing in my life?

• What don’t I want to see?

What can you do today?

There are some simple coaching tools that can help us in our way to identify the issue so we can start addressing the imbalance in our lives:

Tool no 1 – Complete a wheel of life

A wheel of life helps us consider a number of aspects of our lives and assess our satisfaction with each of them. You can find many examples of wheel of life on the internet.

You can also simply draw a circle on a piece of paper and divide it into 8 segments. You can then title each segment with an aspect of your life such as work, personal growth, fun, relationships, family, romance, finance and so on. You can then score each segment with a scale from 0 to 10 with 0 being completely dissatisfied and 10 fully satisfied with this area.

Consider your lower scores and identify what could be changed to improve them. Consider also the higher scores and what is providing the satisfaction in those aspects. What can you do to improve the lower-scored segments? You can regularly review the outcome of this activity to notice your progress.

Tool no 2 – Identify your core values

Identifying the core values that drive and motivate you can help you understand what aspects of your life are not aligned with them. Misalignment with your values can foster an unhelpful sense of dissatisfaction and demotivation in life.

A really useful exercise is to start by identifying your top 5 values. You can use the list provided by James Clear (here) for inspiration. Then, for each value, list evidence of how in your personal and professional life you live and work aligned to it. To finish, for each value list what more you could do to carry on living and working by it. This exercise will show you where the gaps and lack of alignment are. You can review the outcome of this activity on a 6 monthly or annual basis to notice your progress.

Tool no 3 – Visualise your ideal reality

Take a few moments away from your busy schedule and visualise what you wish your ideal to be like. Notice all details from what you can see around you to what you are doing and how you are feeling.

Visualising what we want to achieve is not enough to make it happen. Visualisation without action will not bring about results.

This exercise helps you get some clarity on what you would like to change. In fact, once you have visualised your ideal reality, you will need to “walk backwards” to your current situation and see what's missing and what needs to change to move it closer to the ideal version.

What’s next?

The knowledge and awareness that the above exercises and questions give you are invaluable. To facilitate change, action is essential. My suggestions to get started on the path towards more balance are as follows:

Don't do it alone

You want to stop doing too much. This is a change of behaviour and thinking patterns. Therefore coaching here is the best placed modality to help you formalise a clear and achievable goal and stay accountable to someone fully committed to your growth and wellbeing. We know that by working with a coach, individuals achieve faster progress than when working on their own.

Practice self-compassion

Throughout this journey towards more balance, talk and behave to you like you would to a friend. It isn’t easy to undo a lifetime of behavioural and thinking patterns. It takes time and patience. Be forgiving for any relapse and accepting of where you are in your progress.

Please don’t use your new goal as a way to add more to your in-tray. Find the right pace for you and consider each step holistically with the rest of your life and commitments in mind.

Practicing self-compassion has been shown to increase motivation for health fostering habits. This will serve you well in your path to stop doing too much.

Come home to yourself

Learn to get back in touch with how you feel. By doing too much you have probably forgotten to listen to your needs and desires. Ask yourself often “How does this situation/activity feel?”, “How am I feeling carrying it out?” to encourage a renewed connection with your internal landscape.

Mindfulness meditation can help with this as well as with nurturing self-compassion (see above). If you’re new to this practice, I suggest some free guided Mindfulness meditations from the App Insight Timer. The more you encourage awareness with your internal experience through formal practices such as meditation, the more second nature this connection will become. Being in touch how you feel will make it easier to make more congruent and authentic decisions about what’s really important.

If you are interested in exploring what coaching can do for you, you can schedule an initial free consultation with me on info.healingmovement@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The author assumes no responsibility for the topicality, correctness, completeness or quality of information provided. This article is not intended as medical advice. Readers should consult their medical professional before making any changes to their lifestyle, including but not limited to diet and physical activity and exercise.

© 2022 Lucia Micheluzzi © 2022 Healing Movement - all rights reserved